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Descent 1

February 27, 2019

 

 Descent. Descension. Descend. 

 

I am so fucking scared. Or terrified of letting go. This underworld journey of mine is bringing me into the shadows of my soul. What lives there in the shadows? What are the demons? What am I afraid of? What are the parts of myself that need to die? 

 

I am in therapy for the first time in my life right now and my trauma is flying high. I feel like I'm swimming in it and it feels absolutely terrifying. I didn't realize how much trauma I had. I was trained to deny myself as an act of holiness, to disregard my lived body experience in deference to a domination system. Controlling my body was always the way I found control in the world. I was given very little agency as a child. The obedience training that was poured down my throat shaped my relationship with control. Self discipline and self control were highly emphasized qualities. I have lived a very disciplined life. I am a serious person. I have gone from one discipline to another, following rigid lines. Abstinence, voluntary poverty, homophobic repression, obsessive ballet training, Pentecostal Christianity, intentional Christian community, off-grid urban homesteading...over and over I have chosen rigid, authoritarian pathways, extremes. For some reason, I have needed authoritarian external frames. I think this is from growing up queer in a white, heteronormative, dominant Christian family/community.  

 

So, back to CONTROL. I feel like I have no control right now. I feel like life is flowing past me and I am not in control. I feel scared. I don't know what I'm doing. What am I doing? I just graduated from my MFA program and suddenly I live in the Bay and am trying to make living as a working artist with grad school debt and kids and a lot of trauma in my body. My anxiety is near debilitating. The negative voices in my head hold me captive. I have so much shame and fear of disappointing others; of failing; of FUCKING UP, fucking everything up, of being a fuck up; of expectations and responsibility....fuck. 

 

But I am moving through it. Little by little. This is my queer underworld journey. I have to learn to let go. Part of this, for me, I am pretty sure involves learning to dom. That's where my sexual woundedness meets my fear of authority. I'm still working through sexual repression. I had quite a bit of internalized homophobia from a young age. I tried so hard not to be gay. God, I was just so afraid of my sexuality. I do not have to be captive to fear! So, now my queer desire for domination is good work, important work for my own coming into myself. I do not need to be humiliated for who I am. I need softness. I need grace. I need to be ok. To me, this is all connected. To me, sex, desire, Eros correspond with aliveness. Sex is an experience of "God" or "Unknowing" or "Mystery." I understand myself, in part through my lived body experience of fucking.

 

Tuning into my body, this descension requires an active listening. Which means time. Time to just be with my body and listen and learn and not try to produce anything. Going under the tone. Using somatics as pathway to bodily knowing. SLOWING THE FUCK DOWN KJ!! Breath. Follow pleasure. Stay curious. Commit to going into the natural world as exploring somatics as a practice. 

 

 

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